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Author Topic:   Tools and Their Actual Uses...
Dirt Freak

Total posts: 376
posted January 19, 2003 10:24 PM  
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and driver's uniforms.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, “Ouc....”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a race car to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a race car upward
off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Commonly useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,”
which is not otherwise found under race cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading. However, always trouble.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips ***** heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds
them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ˝ inch too short.

SPANNER WRENCH: a bedeviling wrench that causes you to improvise with a
pair of Craftsman needle-nose (see NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS) freeing you up to
waste several hours attempting to get the Spanner nut off but breaking
the needle-nose and causing you to drive 3 times to 3 different Sears
stores to replace them. You forget to buy a Spanner Wrench while you’re
there each time.

SNAP RING PLIERS: see SPANNER WRENCH. Causes all above the same
effects with the addition of finally getting the ring off, but at 450
mph straight into left eye.

breaking while attempting to remove spanner nuts and snap rings.



[This message has been edited by KSGerry (edited January 19, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by KSGerry (edited January 20, 2003).]

John Bottoms
Dirt Full Roller

Total posts: 37
posted January 20, 2003 05:08 PM  
Those are great. The E-Z Out one really hit home.

Dirt Full Roller

Total posts: 72
posted January 25, 2003 11:56 PM  
Screwdriver AKA Prydriver

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 124
posted January 26, 2003 11:05 PM  
I never really thought if it that way but it is all true. LOL
Good Job Gerry

"Blood, Sweat, and Gears"

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 113
posted February 03, 2003 01:23 PM  
EXTENSION CORD: Originally an engineering genius. In a clean climate controlled environment was proved to extend the usable distance of power electrical devices. It was great, now you can move the smoke contained within in 6ft, 10ft 25ft and even up to 100ft increments. After it went to market it was found to seemingly wrap itself around everything. A parachute may fail but you can be guaranteed if one of these is close, you will not get far from the plane! Also works well to absorb hot embers from cutting activities. It announces its discoveries with a distinctive POP!

Dirt Roller

Total posts: 19
posted June 09, 2005 10:13 AM  
Funny, had to bring it back!

neil rucker
Dirt Forum Champ
Total posts: 799
posted July 06, 2005 02:44 PM  
1/2" DRIVE IMPACT WRENCH. especially useful for removing the head of fasteners without any effect on the fastener its self. also when equiped with a 1" socket with a lugnut to thread the finger next to your thunb with a 5/8 coarse thread!

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 176
posted July 06, 2005 03:30 PM  
Neil? I take it you just had a bad experiance with the 1" soket and lug nut recently so you had to post it as a use? lol. thats to funny.

leddy #33
Dirt Full Roller

Total posts: 32
posted August 22, 2005 12:21 AM  
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,”
which is not otherwise found under race cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading. However, always trouble.

They dont call it a DROP light for nothin' LOL

Dirt Newbie

Total posts: 1
posted August 22, 2005 07:19 PM  
Oil Drain Pan: When filled to approximately 99% of capacity and placed anywhere within the shop area, used to catch all manner of hardware, small tools etc dropped from the workbench across the room. Especially useful for catching small carburetor parts, and those parts slung off the above mentioned wire wheel. Also useful for catching dropped oil filters, but this only works if the oil in the pan is pre-heated to approx 175*F.

Can also be used to re-waterproof your(or your wife's) favorite shoes.

Pay no attention to the pointed part on the side that appears to be a pour spout, it's purpose is to randomly direct oil 3" to the left or right of the bucket or funnel you are trying to pour into.

[This message has been edited by tdkkart (edited August 22, 2005).]

Dirt Freak

Total posts: 284
posted August 30, 2005 02:41 PM  
this ain't a tool,but it's real aggravaiting...if you live in town,it's your neighbor down the street who hates race cars worse than bill collectors,and every time you turn the lites in your garage on,he is on the phone to local police complaining about all the noise you are making,and keeping him awake so he won't be able to look for a job tomorrow{he's been outta work for 3&1/2 years allready}and the reason he is mad at you is because you told his wife{who works at the white castle}that you got him a job where you work but he never went in to fill out the applaction,because you would be his boss!

Dirt Newbie

Total posts: 2
posted September 01, 2005 04:59 AM  
I know what you are saying Dirttracker,I had a similar incident with one of mine,The first time I had over shot the noise curfue.So I sent a sincere appology back to the person with the noise control officer.Next thing a couple of weeks later they are back telling me I had to stop working on the racer or they will be bringing in a tow truck and impounding the car,but I had checked up on what noise limits and times I had to work with.When I told them that I was working within the law and that the person or persons hadn't even come to see me or even dropped a letter of disapproval in the mailbox,The officer appologized and left.Stopped a couple of houses up the street,then left.I have never seen them again.

Dirt Full Roller

Total posts: 65
posted September 07, 2005 10:14 AM  
i had a neighbor complaining about noise about 2pm. on a saturday, he said he couldn't stand the noise.i asked him to quite his rooster at 6am. and that his horses need to be more quiet. i have not heard another word from him in 2 years.

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