Visit The Dirt Forum for More Information

Author Topic:   Here are some tool tips!!
Dirt Forum Champ
Total posts: 1261
posted October 31, 2002 06:50 PM  
Got any of these in your shop?

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and- tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips ***** heads.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. .
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."


Dirt Administrator

Total posts: 6243
posted October 31, 2002 07:05 PM  
lmao!!! another great one 14

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 160
posted October 31, 2002 09:04 PM  
Another good use for the old acetelene tortch is when your using it to cut the front bumper off your street stock and you burn into the gas charged part. Nothing better than singed eyebrows! I learned my lesson though!

Dirt Freak

Total posts: 493
posted November 01, 2002 08:37 AM  
that is the funniest thing I've read in the last year. still laughing!!!! and its all TRUE!!!!

Dirt Freak

Total posts: 387
posted November 01, 2002 11:50 AM  
Is this a list of personal experiences? If so, maybe a different hobby is in order here!

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 104
posted November 01, 2002 06:21 PM  
I've seen him work and I would have to say at least half of them are from personal experiences.

Dirt Forum Champ
Total posts: 1261
posted November 01, 2002 07:06 PM  
Hey Chris good to see you are still around thought maybe after your trip back east you were to good for us! I quit going to your site and the grove...THE POPUPS ARE WORSE THAN LAP CARS!! I have talked to State fair about having a few $$ races next year it sounds like so far they are looking at 4 to 6 with dates being set after we all have are schedules done so they will try and draw more cars give me a call and ill let ya know what they said and you can pass it on to some of the fellas down there.

Dirt Full Roller

Total posts: 37
posted November 01, 2002 11:41 PM  
Another good one 14. I have to agree with chris they are from personal experience lol. Easy on the lap car comments I resemble that remark

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 104
posted November 02, 2002 01:56 AM  
The popups are gone off of the Grove site.. I'm to cheap to pay the $30 to get them off of mine yet..

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 154
posted November 10, 2002 03:50 PM  
And all this time I thought I was the only one! Good stuff!

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 124
posted November 10, 2002 08:47 PM  
Yep, got all of it and use it all too!!

"Blood, Sweat, and Gears"

Dirt Forum Racer

Total posts: 88
posted November 10, 2002 10:40 PM  
Thanks 14, that was quite amusing and oh so true. I've lived just about every one of them.

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 124
posted November 11, 2002 09:40 PM  
Oh, I know it isn't a "tool" but something that is very necessary: DUCT TAPE!!

"Blood, Sweat, and Gears"

Dirt Maniac

Total posts: 159
posted November 12, 2002 12:06 PM  
If this stuff is original you need to go on the road. Hit the funny bone.

Back to the Archives